Random Twilight Rants
by tayler1117
Summary: Just a random rant about the books that I HAD to write down. Please review, guys! If you like it, I'll write more, I just need ideas. :
1. Random Rant 1

Random Twilight Rants

**Okay. So I was sitting in my Chem. class and I was completely bored so I went on a rant in my head and wrote it down. I know it's not much, but I thought it was funny. All of my friends did too, so hopefully you will too. (Wow I feel like Dr. Seuss.) If you guys like this one, give me ideas for more and I'd be happy to go on more rants like this one.**

Let's La Push Jacob Black off a cliff. Haha. La Push is where Jacob lives. Is it lives or lived? IDK! Anyways, so they say that Jacob's a werewolf. Well, that's news to me! He is _so_ not a werewolf. I know for a fact HE'S A DOG! Seriously. He looks like Fido when he's supposed to look like a wolf. I wish Laurent would've ate him. But, unfortunately, the pups got lucky. But now Victoria's after Bella because Edward killed James. Poor Bella. Why did she have to jump off that freakin' cliff? Why couldn't it have been Jacob? Why couldn't Bella push him off the cliff? I would've helped him "jump". It would've been easy too. This is all Jasper's fault. If he wouldn't have charged at Bella then maybe Edward wouldn't have left. No, wait, it's EDWARD'S fault! If he wouldn't have mad Bella go to that party, Jasper wouldn't've attacked Bella, Edward wouldn't have thrown her into to table with the glass and the cake, Bella wouldn't've jumped, Edward wouldn't've left, and New moon wouldn't've happened. It would've gone straight to Eclipse! Then we would all be throwing up rainbows and puppies! But if Bella _did_ jump when Edward left and it wasn't Jacob that saved her, but someone other than a member of the wolf – pack, Alice would have seen that Bella was really okay and Edward would have came back because he couldn't stand being away from Bella for another day. But then maybe if the wolves would've killed Victoria or at least didn't let her get away, Riley wouldn't have stolen Bella's clothes, the new born vampire army wouldn't've been created, and Eclipse wouldn't have happened either. Then it would have went straight to Breaking Dawn, and there wouldn't have been a panic about Renesmee because the Volturi wouldn't have met Bella in the first place and they wouldn't have known that Bella and Edward got married and had Renesmee. What's – her – face wouldn't have seen Renesmee in the woods, either, so the Volturi wouldn't have came to Forks anyway. But because Edward took Bella to the party, all of this _did_ happen, and really it's all Alice's fault because she should've seen all this coming. Bitch.


	2. Random Rant 2

Random Twilight Rant Part Two

**I really have no idea as to why I'm writing these basically pointless stories that have no meaning what so ever. I just guess that I'm trying to get my thoughts down about a certain part of Twilight, but then I begin to over – think a lot of things and of course, when I over – think things, other ideas that have something to do with the other topic, so then I begin a rant in my head, and eventually I have a master piece. I love being a writer. You see, I just had a rant right there^.**

I was watching Twilight again for the millionth time today and I got to thinking. I just realized that Bella's pale enough to pass off for a vampire. Why in the _hell_ couldn't Bella and Edward have left the clearing before James got there? Anyways, if that gust of wind wouldn't have came, then James would never have went after Bella and she and Edward could have left pretty much unnoticed. That means that James wouldn't have died and Victoria wouldn't have had a reason to go after Bella. Then James, Victoria, and Laurent might have stayed for a few hours at least. Then James might have noticed by then that Bella's human, but it probably would have been too late for him to do anything about it. So Edward could have killed Victoria, James, and Laurent at the same time because James would want to kill Bella. Edward could get Emmett, Jasper, and Alice to help out that way no one would have to deal with James' crap anymore. Then everyone would _still_ be puking up puppies and rainbows because we'd all be sooo happy that the bad vamps are finally gone.

**Please let me know what you think about this. It took me forever to come up with the ideas for the rest of the rant, but I did it! YAY!!! Please review. They make me smile! :D**


	3. Random Rant 3

Random Twilight Rant Part Three

**I'm back again for the second time today. I found this rant easier to write because my mind was already in the gutter anyway… And I am aware that in every chapter I use the phrase "puking up rainbows and puppies". Get used to it. You'll be seeing it a lot. You'll even be saying it in your sleep. : )**

Money, sex, money, sex, money – CAT! Haha. That one gets me every time. This is really hard. WOW. My mind just went straight to the bottom, and I mean the very bottom, of the gutter. This gutter really needs cleaned out. No wonder my dirty thoughts keep overflowing… There's waaayyy too many leaves. OMG! Now that I'm stuck in the gutter, I can see the sky. It's really dark out here. Where's the moon? Oh, I get it! So that means that it's a new moon… Speaking of New Moon – it premieres TOMORROW!!! OME!!! I'm so freakin' excited that _I'm _the one puking up the puppies and rainbows! These rainbows are glittery just like Edward when he's got his shirt off in the sunlight. Mmm… YUMMY!!! Now the rainbows are glittering all over the place 'cause the gutters are full. Why are the rainbows glittery and sparkly? I don't remember ever swallowing ANYTHING that came from a vamp. And now my mind's right back in the bottom of the gutter again. Thanks Fan Fiction. Now all I can think about is those stupid chocolate crème filled candy things from Walden books. They have a white creamy filling. (Sorry Nikki, I had to put this in there. Yes, you will laugh until you piss yourself). Oops. Back to the freaking gutter again. *sighs then screams* Can someone seriously clean out these leaves?!? Whatever happened to the guy I hired the other day to clean them out? Oh yeah. Jasper cheated on his diet and ate him instead of attempting to eat Bella. I guess that no one ever got around to hiring another guy for the job. OBVIOUSLY. Maybe I can get a shirtless Edward to clean it out for me. Mmm… I'd like to lick his chest… Mmm… God damn you Edward!!! You made me get back in the leafy gutter again!!! But now my mind and Edward's minds can be in the gutter together. Then we can invite Emmett and Alice and Rose and Carlisle and Esme and all my friends and make out gutteriness a party. Wouldn't that be sooo exciting? Then we'd all be puking sparkly rainbows and puppies that look like Jacob (because he's not a wolf, he's a dog. He's actually Fido. Hollywood just doesn't want to admit that Jacob is really Fido) because the party's so totally freakin' amazing. But Jasper's not invited because he'd end up eating all my friends because he wouldn't be able to control himself. Then I'd say, "Loser, loser, double loser, as if, whatever, DUH!" Then I'd snap my fingers in a 'S' shape and walk away. And Jasper would be speechless because I just went gangster on his ass and I'd laugh to myself because no one would be around because the Cullens are taking care of Jasper. None of my friends would be there because, obviously, Jasper ate them.

**I sincerely hope that I didn't offend anyone at the end of that rant. I actually did do that when I was writing this. OOO – my fave Eminem lyrics from Underground: "Medic this head ache's awful, this anesthetic's pathetic, so's this diabetic waffle, and this prosthetic arm keeps crushing my hard taco!"**


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